Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Welcome Pope Francis

His Holiness Pope Francis, I am prompted to write to you from the Pearl Of Africa (this reference loses meaning by the day), once ruled by the Field Marshall, Conqueror of the British Empire, Idd Amin Dada, first of his name. The status quo in anticipation of your visit is no matter of word description. Where are my manners though? Congratulations upon winning the election to the office of the Pontifex. When I saw smoke rise from the chimney, I was filled with joy. Not to mention, Argentina must be ecstatic. Having Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi, the small god, rugby sensation Nicholas Sanchez and now you.

Back to the matter, I look forward to your visit. There are a few issues on which your guidance may be fundamental. Also, I would love to fill you in on a few occurrences in my motherland.

The women are proving to have more balls when it comes to stern parastatal organization and management. The Lord Mayor did terribly at enamoring the Executive Director of KCCA. His congenial demeanor and soft speech were of absolutely no help. He has been robbed of sleep trying to forge a way into the ED's books of the relevant. As if that's n enough, not so long ago, a beautiful lady, Allen, retrenched a good number of employees of UNRA. This mass-firing was unheard of before. It was the speculation that forced Prof. Barya into maintaining the idea to run for presidency. He didn't see any way in which he would get a contract from UNRA. Yes you guessed right, he has no solid agenda to present to Ugandans. He simply wants EC money as he thinks of a way forward. Take a look at his rallies!!

As Jesus calmed the sea, I implore you to relax the mojo of the El Nino rains. Smart gadgets are the worst consumers of energy but UMEME doesn't always get this memo whenever the clouds go to studio to make beats and later make it rain. Inadvertently, the calmness will help the KCCA rethink the drainage system of our only city. It is abysmal. Woeful. Dilapidated. Ancient. Very bad. These rains have forced the 'hanging' folk of 256 to party heavy. And finally, Bobi Wine's yacht is becoming useful.

Our elders and makers of the law have become a wierd bunch. University students have made it a culture to stage strikes owing to issues like food, security, tuition. The university leadership doesn't listen to round table made decisions but is very fast when students take to the streets. Lately, even the lecturers strike. Quite ironic! The ideology of striking was exclusive to Uganda's Ivy League Universities but not anymore. Ndejje & Nkumba universities are the latest recruits.
While we are on the issue of law enforcers, Former Kampala Mayor requested us to ask to make an 'investment' into the fact that Uganda Police didn't use any teargas while a few Ugandans were going to pick Presidential nomination forms. If just did spell something outside the usual.

Let it be on record. Our government is under the impression you'll use some classy SUVs for transport. Leave that show you put on in the US, unless you want to book residence in many of the awkwardly well placed and designed potholes while traveling. I believe you're rethinking the FIAT/VITZ. His Holiness wouldn't want to get lost in These 'His Holenesses.'

Business is booming. For the thrill of what it means to be in Uganda, I would advise you taste an omelette wrapped in a flat fried dough (chapati), the rolex. A rolex in Uganda is what Dwayne Wade would liken to Gabrielle Union, Ryan Reynolds to Blake Lively and Mayweather to the Benjamin Franklins. Celebrated tweeps Nick and Liz wouldn't make reservations in Banda, same applies to Klein. Hamis retired from his joint after getting wife numero quatre, the only viable option is to visit Kabode for the delicacy. You have my word, the venture will be worthwhile. It would be wise to use a Boda Boda while at it though, lest the charge will go through the roof.

We have celebrated lots of 'new' birthdays lately, some unseen. The population is alarmist. It is about time you sat with The Kick Boxing Champion, Golola Moses of Uganda. If his declarations are anything to go by, I believe he needs to heed a new form of family planning as he's seeded only behind Raheem Sterling in this game.

This is all I could put my head around as of now. Hope I'll have another letter for you soon.

PS: When in Namugongo, please avoid any grass. It is a little over 14 days old. KCCA just had us plant in the other day. Kaleke kakule.